


Lay Me Down

by PastaBagel



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Blood and Gore, Family Bonding, Family Feels, Kinda?, Past Character Death, Still gonna tag it, Survivor Guilt, cats actually talk about their damn problems, mentions of dead children or kits in this case
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:41:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28181820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastaBagel/pseuds/PastaBagel
Summary: Jayfeather has survivor's guilt after all the deaths he's seen and lives he's failed to save. Set after Squirrelflight's Hope.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23





	Lay Me Down

**Author's Note:**

> It's been about a billion years since I've read a warriors book, I'm pretty sure the last main book I read was Last Hope? I think. I don't know but I've always liked Jayfeather and I just wanted to write a quick thing. 
> 
> So I apologize if there's anyone that's OOC or events are wrong, don't sue me as it's been a while lol

_Jayfeather watched helplessly as Flametail was consumed by the icy waters below and felt the pain as water filled the Shadowclan’s cat’s lungs killing him slowly. It took everything in his soul not to claw off Rock’s face as the ancient cat told him to leave Flametail to die._

_If Leafpool had noticed Jayfeather’s wet fur when he returned, she didn’t say anything. Jayfeather wished he didn’t have to see Starclan ever again but he had to for the prophecy’s sake._

_._

_._

_._

_“I’m not going to let you die!” growled Jayfeather as he pushed various leaves in Hollyleaf’s bloody body in a vain attempt to save his dying sister’s life._

_“It’s...okay...mouse...brain….” whispered Hollyleaf._

_“I just got you back! I’m not going to let you die again!” screamed Jayfeather._

_“Jay…” murmured Hollyleaf as the light went out in her eyes._

_“No! For Starclan’s sake! No!” whimpered Jayfeather as he felt a paw rest on his own covered in his sister’s blood._

_“Jayfeather, stop” whispered Lionblaze._

_The blind cat said nothing in return as he let his sorrow speak for itself._

_Jayfeather didn’t look up after Hollyleaf’s spirit rose from her body nor did he look at his mother for the rest of long, long days after the battle. He stopped speaking about Hollyleaf around Lionblaze, he hadn’t spoken to his brother in the moons after her death. After the ceremony for Bramblestar’s christening to the leadership of Thunderclan, Jayfeather stopped speaking to Starclan entirely if Leafpool had noticed that she hadn’t said anything but he could feel her saddened eyes whenever he spoke to her._

_Squirrelflight had tried to talk to Jayfeather after the battle but he quickly dismissed any attempts at talking to his adoptive mother._

_“I’m not ready,” said Jayfeather being honest with himself for the first time in many moons._

_“I’ll be here” smiled Squirrelflight._

_._

_._

_._

_“Leafpool...these two are stillborn” whispered Jayfeather as he sniffed two of Squirrelflight’s now dead kits, the remaining two barely hanging on by a thread._

_“Daisy!” called out Leafpool and the queen soon entered the den._

_“Yes?” she asked._

_“I need you to nurse these two kits” answered Leafpool._

_“What about-”_

_Leafpool seemed to have silenced the she-cat from saying anything else._

_“Leafpool..?” whispered Squirrelflight weakly. “What’s...happening?”_

_“Shhh, rest” cooed Leafpool to her sister._

_“Are...my...kits?”_

_“They’re fine” answered Jayfeather abruptly as he closed his blind eyes in quiet shame._

_“G-Good…” said Squirrelflight as she closed her eyes to rest._

_“Jayfeather” whispered Leafpool as the other medicine cat scooped up the two limp kittens and walked out of the den. Jayfeather wanted to shed tears so badly for his fallen adoptive siblings but the tears just wouldn’t come….he was beginning to think he had become too hardened for tears._

_._

_._

_._

_Jayfeather looked, in his own way, at his new apprentice as he shifted through the various herbs on the ground making sure he could identify everything correctly. Alderpaw reminded Jayfeather so much of Hollyleaf, not in the appearance, of course, but just in the way he soaked everything up around him and pure devotion to being a medicine cat. While Hollyleaf bled confidence and ended up becoming a warrior, Alderpaw was...a rather nervous cat that sometimes got on Jayfeather’s nerves but he could let it slide. Alderpaw was his brother after all and he wasn’t going to fail him as he had with Hollyleaf._

_“Jayfeather?” mewed Alderpaw._

_“Are you done?” asked Jayfeather._

_“I think so, do you want to check if I got them right?” wondered Alderpaw._

_“What else am I going to do?” replied Jayfeather._

_“R-right” responded Alderaw nervously._

_Jayfeather sniffed the herbs to make sure they had been sorted correctly. He heard another set of pawsteps walk into the medicine cat den._

_“Hello, Alderpaw! Are you ready to go to the Moonpool tonight?” asked the voice of Leafpool._

_“Yeah, I’m excited!” answered Alderpaw._

_“Hey! Ears over here! I’m not done with you yet, it looks like you got juniper and death berries mixed up. You shouldn’t make those kinds of mistakes, it could kill a cat!” growled Jayfeather._

_“S-sorry!” mumbled Alderpaw._

_“Try sorting them again, when I get back they better be right” muttered Jayfeather walking past Leafpool without a word._

_“I will!” said Alderpaw sitting up straight but soon let his body droop in shame once his mentor left._

_“It’s okay. We all make mistakes” smiled Leafpool._

_“But I shouldn’t make that kind of mistake, Jayfeather’s right”_

_“He is. I’m surprised he was that easy on you, I remember when Briarlight made that same mistake he nearly clawed her ears off!” laughed Leafpool._

_“Why was he easy on me?”_

_“Because you’re his brother even if it isn’t by blood”_

_“....I hope that isn’t the reason, I don’t want him to coddle me” grumbled Alderpaw._

_“He isn’t, trust me. He just as grumpy with Hollyleaf and Lionblaze as he is with you. Take it as a sign that he cares about you”_

_Alderpaw smiled at that and then asked, “Then why is he so silent around you?”_

_Leafpool’s eyes flickered away from the ginger tom, “We’re still working things out”_

_“Alderpaw, can I ask something of you?”_

_“Yeah, what is it?”_

_“When I pass, can you watch him for me?”_

_“S-Sure but can’t you just do that from Starclan?”_

_“Jayfeather doesn’t walk with Starclan. He hasn’t for many moons”_

_“But he’s a medicine cat! How?”_

_“I haven’t said anything to anyone and you mustn’t say anything as well. Jayfeather must return when he’s ready” said Leafpool dodging the question._

_._

_._

_._

_Jayfeather let the breeze of the lake rustle his fur as he let his blind eyes gaze into nothingness, a set of pawsteps walked up beside him and let sat next to him._

_“Lionblaze tried chasing after you” whispered Leafpool “I told him to wait on you”_

_“So you decided to chase after me then?” growled Jayfeather “Leave me alone”_

_“It wasn’t your fault”_

_“Shut up”_

_“Briarlight’s death couldn’t be avoided, neither could Hollyleaf’s”_

_“Leafpool...shut up. Leave me alone”_

_“That’s not what you need right now”_

_“You don’t know what I need! You left us! You left me! You left Hollyleaf and you left Lionblaze! You used your sister for your own selfish gains!” yelled Jayfeather, “So leave me alone! It was my failure that caused their deaths and it will always be my fault!”_

_“That’s not true” replied Leafpool she could barely hold back the hurt in her voice._

_“It is and you know it. I know you’ve told Alderheart that I don’t visit Starclan that’s why he keeps looking at me like I’m going to break! I know you blame me for Hollyleaf’s death! I know Lionblaze does too! So do me a favor, stop talking to me like things are okay because they never will be!” snarled Jayfeather as he stalked off back to camp._

_“Starclan...Hollyleaf....please help him” pleaded Leafpool._

_._

_._

_._

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jayfeather looked blankly into the clear water of the Moonpool, Alderheart glanced at him as he leaned forward to touch his nose with the sacred pool.

“You know, don’t you?” asked Jayfeather.

Alderheart nodded in silence.

“If you see her, tell her….nevermind, get the answer we need and then let’s head home”

“Okay” responded Alderheart.

.

.

.

“Jayfeather! Jayfeather!” yelled Alderheart as he burst into the medicine cat den, Jayfeather gave him a sleepy glare as he stretched out of his nest.

“It’s too early in the morning to be loud” grumbled Jayfeather.

“It’s Leafpool a-a-and Squirrelflight!” stammered Alderheart.

Jayfeather quickly perked up and asked, “Take me to them”

By the time the Thunderclan medicine cats had arrived, it was too late, the rockslide had taken their lives. Jayfeather just stopped in his tracks and looked blindly at the paw of his true mother sticking out from the rock as blood slowly trickled out, he knew that he couldn’t see the carnage but he felt it, he slowly sniffed it, the scent of death was unmistakable. 

“Jayfeather?” whispered Alderheart.

“Hey! Squirrelflight’s alive! Come one, help me get her out!” called out a cat.

Jayfeather snapped out of his trace and raced to where he heard the voice with Alderheart following closely behind. He heard his former apprentice gasp in relief as he went up to the spot where Squirrelflight was and the numerous pawsteps of cats working to free her from her rocky prison.

“Is she alive?” asked a cat.

“Didn’t you just say she was?” snapped Jayfeather.

“Y-yeah, sorry” mumbled the voice.

Jayfeather grumbled in annoyance and went up to Alderheart, “How is she?”

“She’s unconscious but alive, her breathing is faint but strong and one of her legs looks pretty bad. I’m sure we can fix it” answered Alderheart.

“Good, but we need to act fast. Come on” said Jayfeather.

Alderheart nodded.

.

.

.

Squirrelflight slowly opened her eyes to see the walls of the medicine cat den, the smell of herbs almost overwhelmed her groggy senses. She tried to stand up but a sharp pain shot through her body so she quickly laid back down.

“I wouldn’t get up if I were you” mewed the voice of Jayfeather. He sounded tired.

“What...What happened?” asked Squirrelflight.

“You were caught in a rockslide, you barely made it out alive. However, your leg needs time to heal, I almost wasn’t able to save it” explained Jayfeather.

Squirrelflight glanced over at her light leg which was covered in green leaves and held together by a few sticks, “Did Leafpool…?”

Jayfeather’s silence at that question was answer enough.

“Jayfeather….” began Squirrelflight before a loud gasp interrupted her voice.

“Mom!” called out two voices, Squirrelflight looked to see the teary-eyed faces of Alderheart and Sparkpelt as they barreled towards her as Jayfeather was barely able to step away in time.

“I’m okay, my kits. I’m sorry if I scared you” smiled Squirrelflight.

Jayfeather looked away from the three cats, he felt out of place in such a happy reunion so he slowly slinked out of the den and decided to get something from the fresh-kill pile. He could feel numerous eyes on him as walked through the camp which only added to his growing frustration at the fact that he failed again, he had failed to save his real mother, and he almost failed in saving his...no….Alderheart’s mother. Jayfeather was thankful that he was able to find a small, quiet spot that he could wallow in his thoughts as he picked at his food. 

“Hey,” said a deep voice above him, it was Lionblaze. “Can I sit with you?”

“Aren’t you busy with being deputy?” answered Jayfeather, he didn’t want to talk at the moment.

“It’s only temporary so I have some free time and I...we...haven’t talked in a while,” said Lionblaze as he sat next to his brother.

“We’ve both been busy, don’t take it personally” muttered Jayfeather.

“I didn’t”

Jayfeather didn’t say anything in response.

“She was lucky to survive, Thunderclan is blessed to have two great medicine cats,” said Lionblaze.

“I suppose” responded Jayfeather.

_She barely survived, Alderheart did most of the work. He’s the great medicine cat, not me._

“You did your best”

“What do you mean?”

“With Hollyleaf...and with Leafpool,” said Lionblaze.

Jayfeather didn’t answer. _I failed them. They should’ve lived._

“I don’t blame you”

_You should._

“I never have, you know that right?” mewed Lionblaze.

_Just shut up. I don’t want your pity._

“Jayfeather?”

_Just shut up!_

“What?” asked Lionblaze, sounding hurt.

Jayfeather realized that he was now standing up, his breathing was ragged and his mind was racing. 

“Don’t thank me, Lionblaze. I killed our family, you should just stay away from me” trembled Jayfeather as he walked away.

“Jayfeather!” called out Lionblaze getting up to go after his brother.

“Leave me alone, I have a job to get back to and so do you” muttered Jayfeather.

“I’m not going to leave you alone, you’re my brother and you need help,” said Lionblaze.

“I don’t need your help! Back off!” growled Jayfeather as he flexed his claws out in warning, Lionblaze stepped back alarmed by his brother’s emotional turn to anger.

“How long have you been hurting?” whispered Lionblaze.

_I don’t remember_

“Concentrate on you, Lionblaze. I’m too busy to be dealing with this. I have herbs I need to gather” said Jayfeather as he stalked out of camp.

It took everything to not run after his brother but something in his heart told him not to as it could only make things worse at the moment.

“Lionblaze?” asked a soft voice behind him. He turned to look at the meek but strong Alderheart, it was uncanny how the young cat reminded him of his sister.

“Yes? What can I do for you, Alderheart?” smiled Lionblaze, it probably looked as forced as it felt.

“I heard you two talking....” whispered Alderheart.

“I see”

“I think he’s been hurting for a long time”

“I think so as well. Has he gone to see Hollyleaf...and Leafpool?”

Alderheart shook his head. He didn’t mention the fact that Jayfeather hadn’t stepped into Starclan for many moons.

“You know, he never got a chance to talk to them properly about...everything. I had barely gotten a chance myself, there was just so much hurt. I know he hasn’t been talking to Squirrelflight since the Great Battle, nor has he really talked to me since then either” explained Lionblaze, “I think he blames himself for the things that happened”

“....Then he’s a mouse-brain. He didn’t make those choices! He couldn’t control what happened!” replied Alderheart. 

Lionblaze nodded, “I agree but it’s up to him if he wants to help himself”

Alderheart’s ear dropped a little in worry and frustration.

“With that being said, we’re his brothers so we need to be there when the time comes” smiled Lionblaze.

Alderheart beamed at the older cat, “I promise!”

.

.

.

Jayfeather sniffed the ground half-heartedly the medicine den had plenty of herbs, he was too scared to confront his problems. He couldn’t look Lionblaze or Alderheart in the eye much less Squirrelflight, they reminded him too much of his failures. No...what he did wasn’t their fault but he wanted their comfort so badly even when he knew he didn’t deserve it. 

“Awfully close to the border aren’t you?” questioned a familiar voice, a voice that Jayfeather had no desire to hear at the moment.

“I don’t need your quips, can’t you see I’m busy, father?” answered Jayfeather adding the last part with as much venom as he could.

“Busy sniffing the ground?” argued Crowfeather.

Jayfeather glared at the Windclan tom. “Yes”

A tense silence fell between the two.

“I...know about Leafpool” muttered Crowfeather, the guilt in his voice didn’t go unnoticed.

Jayfeather looked away, he didn’t want to have this conversation.

“I don’t blame you”

_Is that just going to be the phrase of the day?_

“I don’t blame you for any of it. If anyone harbors any blame it’s me”

Jayfeather’s eyes widened and he growled, “You don’t get to blame yourself! You weren’t even there! You shunned us away like we were nothing! You never cared!”

Crowfeather closed his eyes, “You’re wrong”

“Am I? Really?”

“If you had asked me that moons ago then it might’ve been a different answer but, now, I regret not being there for you like I should’ve been. Leafpool and I made many mistakes but you three weren’t one of them, I know it’s weight on you might be lost but I care about you. Lionblaze and Hollyleaf.”

“If you had just been there then none of this would’ve happened, Hollyleaf would still be alive and I wouldn’t have failed her! I failed this whole messed up family and now the only sane members of it have to pay the price!” cried Jayfeather letting his anger out.

“I don’t have the answer to that”

“You never have an answer to anything”

“Jayfeather...did you ever talk to Leafpool?”

“It’s too late for that”

“You know that’s not true”

“Shut up”

“I won’t”

“Go back to Windclan before a patrol comes along”

“I’m not going to leave you, you’re hurting”

“I know I am! I’ll stop hurting if you just leave me alone!”

“That’s not how it works, you have to talk to someone. If you want that can be...me. I want to be-”

“Don’t you dare!” yelled Jayfeather, “Don’t you dare say what I think you’re about to say, I’m done with this talk. I’m not going to entertain the idea of _**that**_ ”

“At least...talk to someone” pleaded Crowfeather.

Jayfeather huffed and walked away with empty paws and a growing pain in his chest. As Jayfeather returned to camp, Bramblestar had been waiting and gave him a stern talking to about telling someone when he was leaving camp and that he shouldn’t go out alone especially considering that the medicine cat had a gravely injured patient that needed to be watched at all times, Jayfeather only grumbled a response and went back to the medicine cat den.

“Jayfeather! I’m glad you’re back! I got worried!” mewed Alderheart.

“Did you have a fun adventure?” teased Squirrelflight playfully.

Jayfeather didn’t say anything as his throat was too clogged up with raw and bitter emotions, his mind was racing on the things he wanted to say, his legs felt like jelly as he felt his lungs tighten around him. The pain in his chest becoming harder to bear with every passing second.

“Do you blame me?” asked Jayfeather, his voice barely above a whisper.

“What?” wondered Alderheart, Squirrelflight was looking intently at the older tom even he couldn’t see it. She had head exactly what he had said.

Jayfeather couldn’t find any more words to say.

“Alderheart, you look tired. Why don’t you go get some fresh-kill and rest?” suggested Squirrelflight.

“But I’m not-” started Alderheart.

“Yes. You are” insisted Squirrelflight.

Alderheart, thankfully, got the hint and quickly walked out of the den until he ran into Lionblaze, the temporary deputy gave him a knowing look and motioned for his adoptive brother to come to him.

“Are they going to be okay?” asked Alderheart.

Lionblaze smiled and nodded, “Of course. It’s in their paws now”

The two gazed at the medicine cat den and waited.

.

.

Jayfeather shuffled his paws as he sat in utter silence, he could feel Squirrelflight’s eyes staring into his soul which only added to the current maelstrom going on inside his head.

“It feels like we haven’t talked in a while,” said Squirrelflight after a long silence.

Jayfeather almost laughed at the de ja vu of Squirrelflight’s words.

“We talk plenty” answered Jayfeather.

“About things going on in the clan” 

“That’s still something…”

“Jayfeather, you know that’s not what I’m talking about”

“....”

Squirrelflight looked at her front paws, took a deep breath, “I never blamed you for anything. I never blamed you for Hollyleaf’s or my father’s or Dandelionkit’s and Juniperkit’s deaths. I never blamed you for the things that happened between me and my sister or the fact that I took you. I will _**never** _blame you for being _**my** _kit, _**my** _son”

“Y-You should,” said Jayfeather with a rare shakiness.

“I don’t” she responded sternly.

“I failed you, I failed Lionblaze, I failed Alderheart, I failed Briarlight and I failed my mother! I yelled at Leafpool and I said awful things! I didn’t want to resolve things! I wanted you to hate me! I wanted everyone around me to hate me! At least Dawnpelt had the right idea to hate after Flametail, I never deserved to be born!.... I just....” 

Squirrelflight didn’t say anything.

“....I don’t know…” breathed Jayfeather.

“...”

“...Leafpool loved you, I have never seen a cat love her kits more than Leafpool loved you three. She wanted to be your mother so badly but we could’ve gone about it in a much better way, if any cat holds the blame it’s her and me but neither of us ever blamed you. Leafpool knew that you had to handle things at your pace so she waited and she’ll still wait for you and so will Hollyleaf. She did say to hurry up and see her” smiled Squirrelflight.

“You spoke to her?” whispered Jayfeather.

“I did, but I think you two need to have a long conversation. I think all of us need to have a long conversation as a family” said Squirrelflight.

“I still caused this family’s rift,” said Jayfeather.

Squirrelflight frowned and headbutted Jayfeather’s leg almost knocking him over, “We can all play the blame game, Jayfeather. You, me, Leafpool, your brother and sister but we’re living in the present, what’s done is done, and we _**must** _move on!”

“But-”

“No! I love you, Jayfeather! You’re my son! You’ll never do anything that could make me hate you or blame you or whatever mouse-brained idea! The same goes for Hollyleaf, Lionblaze, Alderheart, and Sparkpelt. You are all my kits and I will love you even after I die!” yelled Squirrelflight passionately.

Jayfeather looked at her with his jaw wide open, dumbfounded on how to respond.

“The feeling’s mutual,” said the voice of Lionblaze in the entrance of the medicine cat den with Alderheart following close behind.

“We all have a long road ahead of us, Jayfeather but we don’t have to do it alone,” said Squirrelflight as pushed her head lovingly against Jayfeather’s muzzle with Lionblaze rubbing on Jayfeather’s side.

“Yeah! Because brothers stick together, right?” said Alderheart looking up at Jayfeather.

The blind tom felt tears rise in his eyes as he felt the familial love that he had longed for and let them fall as Jayfeather let his walls tumble down.

.

.

Jayfeather took in the mystical elements of Starclan’s forest as he sat in the clearing and waited for the moment he was slightly dreading.

“My son..” smiled Leafpool as she appeared before Jayfeather.

Jayfeather felt his tongue dry up as he struggled with what to say.

“Hey! Don’t look too shocked!” said Hollyleaf, playfully, as she also appeared beside their mother. “It’s so good to see you”

Jayfeather lightly laughed and said, “It’s good to see you again too”.

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly blame moonkitti's videos for getting me back into warriors lol


End file.
